A Stigma within Society

She trudged through the, overgrown brush at the base of a mountain. She craved for an opportunity to show off every feature which defined her. Her appearance remained flawless through the thicket  Her nails polished, make-up and hair perfectly placed. In her best formal gown, with stilettos to match, she found a path that led straight to the top. She laughed because the pathway was easy. She couldn't understand why everyone complained about how hard life was. She inhaled the sweet breeze and laughed at how her voice carried effortlessly over the top. She was proud of who she was and what she had become. Vanity had taken a firm hold in her mind, glasses would detract from her perfect features. She lied to herself, she didn't intend to show this flaw.

Invisible voices pleaded with her to open her eyes and pay attention to a jagged rocky bed. Their efforts fell upon deaf ears. One by one, no longer wanting to waste their parched voices, they faded away with the winds. She didn't look to their direction until the last moment when saw she was utterly alone. She pleaded for them not to leave her.

She stumbled on a rock and in a desperate attempt to save herself she waved her arms out to her sides to balance. She cursed at strong mountainous winds for not giving her the break she deserved. As the wind kicked up and gained strength, it blew her hair out of its perfect place. In her effort to maintain her perfect appearance, she raised her hands to her head, lost her balance and fell all the way to bottom. It was a rough, long, unmerciful fall. She landed broken, sobbing and covered in blood. She slumped, cried, kicked and screamed. Not because she was injured, but because she thought everyone would laugh at her fall and the tangled mess she was. She wanted nothing more than to regain her place at the top of the mountain. Yet, at the same time wished a big hole would open up and swallow her. She screamed wildly into the cold dark air, crying and punching the steep walls of the mountain until her hands were bleeding. 

Instead of admitting defeat and asking for help, she chose to walk, broken, cold and alone. Everyday she found herself more exiled, doomed to walk through the dark wilderness. She blamed everything which had happened to her on something other than herself. She wandered through the opening in the brush, into sand and stones at the bottom of the mountain. It was useless because no matter where she was, it was always dark. She never saw the sun rise. It was a vicious circle and she was exhausted. She gave up all hope of standing atop of the mountains with those she cared about. She sat on a small rock in the dark and waited for death to find her.

 This is just the beginning to what appears to be such a tragic story. Through out the next several months I plan on telling my story to the world. Just to show and to PROVE we are not a stigma We are not the illness we were diagnosed with. I am the exact same person I was when we met last year.  

This is ME... this is my story. 

I may not have a whole lot to give to this world. But I do have the strength and power of my words to help break a stigma that's almost taboo in today's society. I'm an active, almost healthy 32 year old mom who has been diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder, MDD, PTSD & Severe Social Stress Anxiety. I may have these things but they do not have me.  I'm not ashamed of what or who I am. There is no label on me, besides proud wife and mother!!! 

If you are suffering from a mental disorder, I am pleading with you to join a support group to help aid you in your recover and DISCOVER the real person who lies within your heart. A label means nothing, it's nothing more than that, A LABEL! Join a group and share with people who have your common interest. If we stand tall and brave, then we will succeed in breaking this Stigma.

I hope my words are strong enough to get just one person to open their eyes and start a huge chain to help others to realize and understand that just because we have a "mental disorder", it doesn't mean that we don't have feelings and are any less human. 

All of my best to you and yours!!
~Malekia

Don't let the sun go down on a single second taken for granted!

   April, is Child Abuse Awareness month and it took reading an article to honestly yank my head out of the clouds and realize all the moments I have taken for granted. I just thought "I loved each and every moment. Cherished the best and shelved the rest for a rainy day." I don't love them enough. I don't cherish them enough!! The honest to God reality is; my prerogatives, ambitions, goals and life in general has got to change!


  Don't ever let the sun go down on a single second taken for granted. It's easy to let a moment be taken for granted, even the most precious ones. We all do it and most of us realize it and just keep marching forward in our daily lives anyway. I am probably one of the guiltiest people in the world for doing this. Being a stay home mom you always think, "Oh, I can do this with her later." .... "I'll watch it with her later" ... "I have to..." 

   
   After reading this article, all of the WHY's are hitting me. All of the HOW's are hitting me. I feel like a small child in the HUGE world of parenting. WHY did I throw out that huge box??? So what it was taking up so much space. Why didn't I think of writing on a mirror with a dry erase marker?? There's so much to do with my child that I would never even consider had it not been for this article. 

http://www.helpandhope.org/index.html

   There's a song written by Evanescence called "Good Enough". When I heard it, I stopped to think, am I good enough to be a parent? Was I properly chosen to be a parent? Am I fit to be a parent? I'm not like these women who wrote the articles and offered out parenting tips and suggestions! What makes me qualified to be a parent? Is there such a thing? No, there's not.

  I'm not perfect... I'm a parent!! 

       While I am happily married, I find myself raising our daughter on my own because he works out of town all the time. His love for us and his dedication to our family to give us the best life possible keeps him on the road all of the time. When it comes right down to it, BOTTOM LINE, that shouldn't matter when it comes to time. He could be home 24/7 and it should never make a difference when our life time-line applies.

    It's not the big things that matter most, it's the small things. Small random moments, little steps... Here's a few things my daughter and I do to fill our days... 

1.) Write a story with your child during the day to read at              night.

2.) Cut a 2 liter bottle in half and create a bean sprout terrarium. (Excellent learning moment, until my "anti-green thumb killed it.)

3.) Make up a super hero name and use random clothing around the house to make a costume. 

4.) Have a "spa day" let your little girl play dress up, play with your make up, use your favorite body wash and perfume. Let
her paint your nails.

5.) Have a tea party

6.) Let your child see how many random objects will balance on your head. (Great for learning weight and balance)

7.) Make up BINGO cards and draw objects instead of numbers. (I write the word on the card and the shape on the call out card. This way we're learning words and how to spell them.)

8.) Use the dining room tables to create a fort. Make some pop corn, crawl inside the canopy and watch a movie. (My daughter loves this. Especially, when it's too hot to play outside.)

9.) Have a picnic style lunch on the front porch.

10.) Bean Bag toss game (I made felt pouches filled with beans and drew on the bags. (Tree, heart, numbers, letters and used large poster boards to make the board.)


   After five years, I have learned I don't have forever. I don't have all the time in the world. The clock is ticking down to the moment where my little girl isn't so little anymore and I don't want to have the regret of, "I wish". Darius Rucker wrote a song about five years ago called, Won't Be Like This For Long. It's a touching song and if you've never heard it, grab some tissues before doing so... 

  I have learned to stop and look, act silly and laugh at little things. Before my baby was born my mom told me, blink and she'll be walking down the aisle. I didn't understand what she meant. But, today I do. 

   

~Oh Dear!!!

 
     Oh, Dear!!! 













    The cool breeze caresses my cheek and swirls through my lungs. Mother Nature, offers a calming white noise lullaby. The rushing racing river eradicates all negativity in my mind. A perfect place for my body and spirit. I wish to stay in this beautiful untouched world.  Somewhere, in the mountain range stands a quaint and simple cabin by a Colorado river. A tiny place where no technology can reach, not even a one bar cell signal could reach. Photos can only represent a time gone by, but I reflect on it as a way to write on the fly. I wish to return to this magical land. Never a place on earth have I been where I felt as grounded to the earth. Perhaps, some day I can return and absorb countless new memories from this grand magical land.

   As I wonder and ponder, my mother's haunting words seep in. I told you so.   Or the classic, One of these days you're going to have a little girl who acts just like you.  Years later, and now that I'm a mother... I find these words to be true while my mother points and laughs.  With a single micro second, I'm pulled from everything by a tiny but ear piercing scream, "Mooommm!!"

    Have you ever had one of those days where a rewind button was desperately needed? Or, at the very least a mute button. Today, is one of those days and it's clearly written in bold print on the calendar. The dogs are barking for no other reason other than to hear themselves bark. My child is doing a spot on impression of Tarzan while she runs hazardously through the yard. I said words I never thought I would ever hear myself say. "Don't bite the dog!" Really, did I just say that? Sure, I've said it a hundred times over the past four years but today it struck me, "Why am I saying this?"


   This afternoon, an Epiphany smacked me right on the forehead. After a moments thought, it occurred to me that it’s every mother’s right of passage to have moments of sheer uncensored unadulterated... Oh wait, this has to be rated PG?!?! What the heck? I really loved the direction to where this story was heading. But, yeah that’s not it! It’s the moments of sheer uncensored antics of which her pets and children play upon her. Admit it Mom’s you were hoping for something better, weren't you? Well, that must be saved for another day. Mmmm, think on it ladies!


I’m a stay home mommy to three loving gorgeous babies,  I love my babies, more than life itself and if you you mess with my babies I’ll summon and project my inner tiger all over you. Lucky for you, this isn't one of those moments. Only one of my babies completely owns human faculties, you wouldn't know it by looking at her, but she does. She displays her human side only  when she wants or needs something from me. And, I am okay with this. I know she is beautiful inside as well as out. She'll be five soon and I have never met a more kind, sweet and loving person. The way she loves people she has never met and how she will offer to help an old lady who dropped something at a store is amazing. She is my Monstress and makes me smile and laugh more than any other emotion I can feel. I well up with pride at the things she has already done in her life. I have no clue what the world will look like in another twenty years. But I do know one thing for a fact, it will have a beautiful diamond shining in it and she will stare at the world with grace, kindness and understanding. I and I alone am allowed to make fun of her where and when I wish. One of the few perks of being a mom, if  you know what I mean.

   
     I didn't start this to make fun of my child. The main reason I started up is because I'm a writer by hobby, for lack of better words. Honestly, I started writing because of my little girl. It started out with the tiniest reason. One late night or early morning, I was a bit hazy being a new mom and all. I was doing everything in my power to get my little newborn girl to go to sleep. I sang, a familiar lullaby and realized what a horrid song it was. So, I rewrote it to suit me.
Rock-A-Bye baby,
by my bedside,
drift of to sleep
now baby don't cry.
If you wake up,
I'll be by your side,
 to hold you and
love you all through the night.

    This song spun me into something I never thought I would ever be. A writer. My daughter does not like to have the same story read to her, with the exception of one that her daddy has read to her every night since the day she was born. It's difficult to keep up with new stories. So, instead of searching and buying book after book, I wrote my first story. After she demanded that I read it to her over and over again, I knew this must be submitted for publishing. Geeze! What an experience that was. I submitted  to several publishing houses and one by one I was turned down. That's okay, it just wasn't meant to be for other children. I never got down on myself for not being accepted. So, I took the other alternative, SELF PUBLISHING. After the experience I had with it, I'll never do it again. I'm sure there are many people who have had excellent service and success with vanity self publishing companies. I knew better than to stop persevering and taking the worn out road instead. Enough with that, I'm not here to talk about my downfalls, why that would be just boring!!

     Back to the point of this entire blog. I guess that's how you say it. I'm going in blind here... You see, I have a severe allergy. We've yet to find the cause of the allergy. Here's my symptoms, sneezing, coughing, blurry eyes, reddening of the face, rapid tapping of my fingers and the last one is a big knot on my forehead. I have pondered and pondered what it could possibly be. I've narrowed it down to maybe something with my desk chair, the fan sitting on the desk.  Still I come up with nothing. Before I know, it everything  electrical or any kind of technology I'm touching at the time the rapid tapping of my fingers all of my computer stuff just jumps up, sprouts legs and runs away screaming. My assumption is technology is the cause of the knot on my head.... Could it be that I'm allergic to technology and technology is terrified of me?!?!?! I will continue to take my caffeine infused coffee flavored medicine and keep on writing away.

                                             Crazy life Of Mine

I’m so bored
Yet I can not find the time
To write out these emotions
that I bury deep inside.
I’m a mother, a daughter, a wife and a friend.
I’m the banker and the keeper to this crazy life of mine.
But I find myself so bored,
Yet I can not find the time
To write out these emotions
that I bury deep inside,
The fear, the bleed the hurt and need
The fear and the bleed
the hurt and the need
to keep on fighting
to keep on trying
to end the boredom in this crazy life of mine.